I’m happy you found this place and I hope you enjoy reading everything I put up on here. I’ll be uploading once a week or more if something interesting happens. You should read this blog if you relate to any of the following:
Someone ask what music you listen to, you tell them “A little bit of everything” because you listen to some weird shit that would make them think your a freak
If you have very strong opinions on dweeb video games like Pokemon fan games, World of Warcraft, or Tabletop Games like Dragonbane/LANCER and not enough people to talk with about it
Wishing that the internet was restricted again and that we could return to the pre-social media era where it felt small
The feeling of wanting to socialize with everyone but never fitting in with strangers because your a friggin WEIRDO! (Good!)
Having family that you find difficult to relate to because even though you share common tragic experiences you don’t share the same interest
If you just like reading a strangers thoughts on the internet because your a DWEEB like ME!
Some ground rules stuff
I’ll be avoiding letting out any personal information here for my own privacy, names mentioned here are pseudonyms.
I tend to be pretty extreme in my opinions because what I type here is off the rip. Don’t take everything at face value, the text here is only worth as much as you assign it personally.
Sometimes I’ll upload funny images I like or photos I take with these post. I don’t know the artist to almost any images, if you do let me know and I’ll credit them.
If your terminally online at the age of like 16 or younger and are reading this please don’t just go play a sport or something.
For an example of what the rest of this blog is going to be like, here’s my first blog ever. This one is pretty emotional.
I Don’t Like Having To Be Big and Strong: A Month In Spain
6/22/2026 – Late At Night
I’ve spent the last month in Spain on a work trip. My sister lives here, it’s been very nice to see her this whole time but I have been going through a lot of personal development. I have spent a large amount of my life in these past years never being truly alone. During my time in the U.S military I was never really alone. Sure there were times where I was by myself, but someone is always watching and your never doing your own thing. After that I met my girlfriend and was living with her while I went to college. Certainly never truly alone there, she cares for me a lot and I appreciate that. Now I am truly alone because I have the complete and total free will to do just about whatever I want so long as I show up for work. I don’t know if its a good or bad thing, but I know I’m finding myself a lot. I love being indoors and playing video games with my friends. Walking around Madrid is a blast, going hiking is fun, seeing a old church is great, but none of it beats just getting time to myself in my room to play video games with friends. Its very hard to explain this to people without feeling very judged. I don’t care about the buildings of a thousand years ago, I care about what I can do today to make tomorrow better. Obviously there is value to old things, but I hope you get what I mean. Introducing my friends to World of Warcraft is a blast and I just really love having time for just me.
Some major events have occurred for me while over here, first I saw the Goya paintings at Prado. If you ever get the chance to go, do it. Never before had I felt so deeply when looking at a set of paintings, and never before did I feel that I could relate to an artist I’ve never known. Goya seems like my kind of guy, a happy guy who followed his passions all of his life and ended up being viewed as depressed when he was just pursuing his passions until the very end. All of his dark paintings are viewed as sad, I don’t think they are. I think the guy wanted to paint for this world until the very end.
To the meat of this entry, I Don’t Like Having To Be Big and Strong. While in Madrid I went into this wonderful pizza store where the owner had an item on the menu called “The Special”. He would look at you up and down and then make a pizza to suit you. I got it and he made a pizza just for me, which fit perfectly. It was really dazzling. I mean seriously, at most places you would order that and get some cheese on cardboard but here this guy had a stone oven that took up half the shop and was sweating from how hard he was working. I finish my pizza and get up to go use the restroom. From behind me I hear a woman yelling in Spanish loudly and a loud slap. I get out of the restroom and a whole scene is going down, this woman entered and slapped the owner in the face because she thinks he stole her phone for money. She’s obviously on drugs, I don’t really know whats happening but my in law Big B moves first. He steps between him and this lady and slowly gets her out of this store, I follow suit and do the same. This goes on for over twenty minutes, my other in law Sticks calls the police as we stand between this woman who is yelling her head off at this store owner for nothing. Pizzas get burned, a female customer cries, the waitress who got hired two days ago is panicking. The whole time I’m big, I’m strong, I’m making sure a fight doesn’t happen. I get slapped, I don’t hit back. The police finally arrive and arrest her. Everything’s good. She gets let go immediately because the owner knows that even if he presses charges it will take over a year in court. She’s released right there. On the spot. You’ve got to be kidding me. When I was a boy, I was not big, I was not strong and I could do nothing but witness injustice around me. I could not stand between people. Most of my life is pursing justice for what was done to me, in the sense that I live to try and do my best. Yet this insane woman is released without any trouble. She starts doing it to the store owner across the street as we all leave and the pizza store owner has to close his store for the night. No justice. It doesn’t hit me, my sister and Sticks ask if I’m ok. I say yes, I’m fine, it was just upsetting. The train home is long, if you ever take a train in Madrid expect street performers to ruin it. I get home and enjoy some World of Warcraft hardcore where I whoop ass on my hunter. I can’t sleep, no biggie, lets watch some Sopranos. I can’t sleep.
I feel my heart start to race as I think about the events of the day and I cannot stop thinking back to the way this world is. Everything starts to roll into me. I start to cry, and I can’t stop. My chest feels tight, I don’t feel safe, I’m really, really panicking. I don’t even really know how long this goes on for. I cry into my pillow, I wash my face, I keep crying. The world is cruel and I cannot do anything about it. No matter how hard I try, I cannot save the entire world. I don’t go to any kind of organized religion, yet here I was on my knees in a hotel room praying for god to just make the world kinder. My entire early life was seeing this exact scene play out, people on drugs or at least drunk yelling and fighting with each other. It doesn’t matter what I am, you can’t stop it. I cannot be there for the child who is being abused right now. There is nothing I can do but wish for a better world and try every day. I call my mom, who does a good job of calming me down. I didn’t even realize how messed up I was or that it was 5am until I called her and I couldn’t physically speak. Isn’t it absolutely rotten that someone who neglected you in the past can be the only person who can comfort you?
I don’t like having to be big and strong. I want this world to just be better. I don’t like carrying the weight of as much as I can carry down the road. Over and over in my life I see the same pattern of doing as much as I can and not being enough to really change everything. Superman is a fantasy and I don’t like it. I know this isn’t very logical, but its just how I am. When I was a teenager trolling people online was the funniest thing to me. Now I just message people and ask if they’ve gone on a walk recently during this nice summer. Nobody can be a paragon of perfection and love but I really wish with everything that I could. I come back to a resolution that I made a long time ago that my only goal in life is to make a 0.1% change in the entire world for the better. As long as I’m alive, I’ll move every day to get there.
By 6am I’m able to finally settle down, stop crying, and go to bed. I miss running with the bulls, which really sucks because I keep disappointing my sister and Sticks. They understand but it doesn’t remove the fact that this is the second time this weekend I’ve bailed on plans because I’m just an emotional man. Like I said this place leaves a lot of room for me to develop a part of myself that I don’t normally get to see. I’m kind of a dweeb who doesn’t like planning stuff out but I’ve been forced to all of my life so now that I get the chance to not plan things I just flake out on them all the time. Not really all of the time and its not that bad but one error can be a thorn in my side for a while. Stuff like that is a mental habit and I just have to remind myself over and over that people aren’t insane schemers who think about everything you do just because I end up doing that. The good news about all of this is that it all ultimately makes a story. The only bad news about that is that one time a gentleman I knew who had to kill people in South America looked me in the eyes and told me “You think you want stories until you get them”. The best news is that I hit level 30 on my hardcore hunter and got some great loot for cheap on the auction house. Shout out doomdemon the level 30 boar from Durotaur, my hero.
If you liked reading this let me know, I’ve got comments turned on and would love some feedback from anyone who reads this on anything including writing style. Much love, have a good day. Takeaway: Good things and bad things happen around the world all the time, all we can do is what we can. Love each other.
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